Monday, April 19, 2010

The Letter to My Searching Friends...

Dear Readers;

You arrive at this blog, presumably led here by some sort of key words that think you and I, well, we have something to share. I will tell you, I'm not good at sharing; you can have advice, laughter and maybe some of my daiquiri, but if you ask to borrow my car because yours is in the shop (again) or a twenty for a six-pack, you're on your own, homie.

Because I'm likethis with Big Brother, and he tells me things, I see the searches that brought you here, and I'd be a shitty friend if I didn't address your quest (quests plural?). Whatever. Here goes.

First off, this search phrase: lemur shit coffee

(I am NOT making any of these searches up. My mind may be devious, but only in matters of revenge.)

Were you looking for lemurs WHO shit coffee? Or did you perhaps HAVE a lemur and thought coffee might cause problems? Or are they actually three separate searches and you're just a multi-tasker?

Next up: can you get headaches from green jell-o

It's days like this when I'm starting to wonder about the wisdom of my blog name. I am drawing in people who actually have burning questions ABOUT real, actual (and presumably NON-poisoned) jell-o. I know shit all about real Jell-o. I know what it's made from, which if I told you that dear reader, would definitely give you a headache. Seriously, google THAT one if you're bored. Other than that, I say eat any sort of jell-o you want. Unless you're allergic to food dye because I will NOT kill any of my food-sensitive readers. On purpose.

How about this search: why is jell-o hard on the bottom

How the fizzuck are you MAKING jell-o that is HARD at ALL? Seriously? Did you read the packet? And you know that they come in handy serving sizes already made, right? I mean, it costs more, but I am ALL for paying for convenience. My advice, if your jell-o is hard on the bottom, you have bigger problems. And if that's a nice turn of phrase, as in "difficult" on the "digestion" then I'm clueless, because hospitals feed people jell-o and I KNOW that health care here is sort of screwy, but I'm pretty sure they're not trying to give patients bad recuperative food.

And I've given up counting the folks who drop in after searching something like "eat only jell-o" or "what if I eat nothing but jell-o" because it's becoming frighteningly normal. I'm all, oh, it's another of the Only Jell-o Eaters. There's a LOT of all y'all out there.

Which freaks me out. So if you're reading this, here is what happens if you eat only jell-o, nothing but jell-o, jell-o all the time, jell-o as my only food, or any of your other nada but jell-o searches: BAD THINGS. Bad things happen. You will not be healthy, and you might end up sick. Stop trying to eat nothing but jell-o. As self-proclaimed Queen Beotch of the Jell-O Realm, I command you. And I love you. You wandered in here for some reason, so I'll give you some love and if you were here, we'd share a nice piece of key lime pie and maybe some fresh coffee and we could talk about things like pressure, and stress, and body image. Then I'd introduce you to my bff Jillian, and she would have a good heart to heart with you like she does on Biggest Loser, and we'd all have a good cry.

But seriously. Stop with the jell-o as sustenance. Because it's not. Look up how it's made, I am so not kidding.

Honestly, I don't care how you get to my blog - searches, links, my pathetic begging outside your window (I won't bring the mixed cd next time, I promise). I just love you reading.

Search on, friends, search on.

Comments, questions, what is your quest?