Thursday, April 1, 2010

I Wish I had a Lemur

I know, you're all reading that title and thinking: Is Our Favorite Writer drunk (again)? / What the hell is a lemur? / Did I remember to take the trash out?

And the answers to those questions are: Not yet/ an adorable member of the primate family / and if you didn't, you'll wish you had by next week!

Yesterday, Your Favorite Writer AND Mom-o'-the-Year took the kids to the zoo. Our zoo is pretty awesome. It's not a cheapy lame zoo like in some big cities; you know, the zoo equivalent of Mr. Krab's Krabby Land? It's a really, really innovative, amazing zoo.

(And let me tell you, it was honestly a miracle we got there at ALL because I had a plumber in my house with something called a "Motorized Snake" - which HE called "The Big Gun" (yikes. I mean really.) because we had some diabolical clog about 25 FEET down in our drain line. So I had to leave while he was working. - It's cool though because The Man is sort of technically his boss, so I wasn't too worried.)

Aaaanyway, after all the drama of the morning and dealing with kids and clogs and missing zoo membership cards (errrr!) we made it to the zoo! And now I will regale you with a picture of an ornamental pond:

Did YOU know that elephant ears can grow in water? Because *I* didn't! It's very exciting, I know.

But I saved the best for next, because BAM! Lemurs!

We all sat in the little outdoor lunch spot watching the lemurs, and I am, well, almost 100% sure that I *NEED* a lemur. First off, they're adorable. Secondly, they have super cool tails. They are also funny as shit. If I were any sort of primate, I'd be a lemur. Hands down. Okay wait, I guess (and this is where I hear my old AP Bio teacher laughing madly) I technically AM a fucking primate. Dumbass.

The best part, other than making voices for the lemurs and what they might be thinking, was watching the baby lemurs. If *I* were a lemur parent, I'd probably have to smack my baby lemur on the head. Those little bastards were CRAZY. They kept falling out of the trees and jumping off the Mommy lemurs. I could totally tell the Mommy lemurs were OVER their SHIT.

If you jump off my head ONE more time, you don't get any lemur snacks!

But Moooooom!

Nope, no buts about it mister! You sit here and pick the nits off my head like Barb's baby lemur over there.

I hate Ricky! He's such a suck up.

Watch it! Ricky doesn't smack HIS mother in the head!

Case in point? A jumping baby lemur:

His mom is all You are SO getting smacked when you land! My head is not a trampoline!

In my research (okay it was just google, honestly) on finding a Lemur for a Pet, I came across this.

I'd like to share the following *expert* advice for Lemur Ownership:

"If you can't spend a lot of time with them, get 2 or don't get any. They also need something to do. They are quite intelligent and will "go crazy with boredom" if they don't have some "toys" to play with. Be sure to provide a den that is heated in the cold weather. Lemurs are pretty hardy and can put up with cold weather, below 40 degrees, but they are not from the Arctic Circle, they're from the rain forests."

First off: I love how it's "get 2 or don't get any." - that's good advice for anyone really. The number 2 is pretty hardcore, especially on its day on Sesame Street. If 1 is the loneliest number, then 2 is the happiest. Obviously written by a *scholar* ladies and gents.

Also, notice how "go crazy with boredom" is in quotes? I'm taking this to mean that he is quoting AN ACTUAL LEMUR. The lemur was all, look dude, you'd better be getting me a friend or I will go CRAZY with BOREDOM. It's basic good writing to print actual quotations this way.

And "toys" - does he mean REAL toys, or just something that LEMURS think are toys?! He's a crafty one, this lemur scholar! Try tripping up a lemur though, and they might crap in your coffee. I've heard tell of it. They're tricksy little monkeys.

Also loved the helpfully colorful comparative language! Not from the Artic circle are they? Well what the.....OH, from a rain forest. Now I know, sir, NOW I know.

How could I go wrong getting a lemur when I have such experts in lemur-ism to pave the way? How much does a lemur cost, you ask? Let's find out! Did you notice the helpful text penis after the answer? I'm telling you, lemur professionals are EVERYwhere you look online! Class acts, class acts.

Well I'd better get started, since I must have 2 or none at all, and they'll be at least $1,000-$3,000 a piece! I'd better tell The Man we're starting a new savings account. He is ALWAYS questioning my sanity supportive of my ventures.

No lemurs were harmed in the making of this blog.

Comments, questions, what's your sort of primate?