Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Do You a Service

At first I wasn't even going to blog today, but then I thought, "No, my people DESERVE a post" which then caused me to wonder who my people are anyway - other than the people who are trying to live off jell-o alone, because given my stat counter info, I KNOW that they have my back.

See, I don't want to *alarm* you or anything, but I'm pretty sure just like Justin brought sexy back, *I* am bringing Plague back. I'm waiting for those knotty buboes to form under my arms - any minute now.

I wasn't going to write about my sickness either, because really, the only thing more fun than reading about illness is HAVING it! Am I right? But see, since I'm probably the first known case of Black Death before it spreads like wildfire across the midwest, I'm doing you all a huge favor here. Now, while there IS treatment for plague, you have to KNOW that you have it - so once you wake up feeling like you were used as a pinata in your sleep, well that's Awareness Step One.

Then, you can drag your sorry self to the doctor, as I did this morning, and they'll be happy to swab your nose and test for flu - and after you've stopped crying like a 6 year old (because nasal swabs HURT like a mofo and I am NOT lying) they'll tell you it isn't flu. But you'll already know this because you were a good little monkey and you got your flu shots thankyouverymuch - both Regular and Extra Swiney. And you'll know that even though the doctor didn't come right out and say it, you have the Black Death. Your doctor doesn't want to alarm you and get all crazy quarantined and have Dustin Hoffman show up looking for the monkey and the National Guard and ALL THAT so you'll just get some "antibiotics" but they'll really be for Plague.

And if you're lucky, like me? Well they'll give you steroids. And no, NOT the kind that baseball players take and lie about - the fun kind that make you edgy and a wee bit scary to other humans. The steroids calm down your angry lungs which have flared up because you have asthma, which I've started calling ASS-ma because I hate it intensely. And I'd totally punch my ASS-ma in the eye, but since we share a body it wouldn't really be the ideal turn out.

So your doctor will tell you to drink a lot of fluids for your "bacterial bronchitis" (which is totally doctor code for Bubonic Plague) and you'll wonder if coffee heavily laden with transfatty creamer counts as fluid, but then you'll remember Junior year chemistry and the lesson on solids, gases and liquids, so coffee TOTALLY counts. Except then you'll have some sort of adverse reaction from the caffeine and the steroids and the Plague antibiotics but it's not YOUR FAULT because how did you know when you were making up the pot of coffee last night that you'd be attacked by Plague in your sleep? Exactly. So you really should just ENJOY that adverse reaction and hope that you didn't take too much Tussin, because the doctor didn't say ANYthing about taking Tussin for Plague. And it probably will cause leprosy too or ebola or something because Tussin is totally contraindicated (and you thought I failed Biology!) in cases of Plague.

But then you'll realize that while you're busy fighting off Plague and hoping that the cart for the dead doesn't stop by until tomorrow, when you're ACTUALLY dead and not just napping, that the kids have been left to their own devices which. is. never. good. But they don't have Plague so it's okay because everyone ALSO knows that parents with Plague totally get a day-pass to sleep on the couch and hope for the best.

So I hope that you all totally appreciate the service I've rendered here - especially given that it's pretty hard to type when you're waiting to die from Plague. I mean, I have a lot of things to wrap up and I never even got the whites load in the washer and it's almost lunch time and I may or may not have forgotten to pay the electric bill. Just remember kids, Plague is never convenient - and it killed a third of Europe, so it's pretty hardcore.

Comments, questions, plague?