Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bumble Bee and NOT the autobot

Recently, The Man and I were debating something that led me to google. The debate? Do wood-boring bees actually STING you? (I say no) And if not, why am I terrified of them? (Because they're hideous hell-beasts.) The scientific answer?

We may never know. First off, carpenter bees and bumble bees look *almost* identical. Apparently their body shape is what differs. (Like I'm getting close enough to check! Excuse me Giant Flying Pterodactyl, can you hold still so I can check your abdomen? Shyeahhhh!)

According to some very official looking website, the male carpenter bee does NOT sting. Score one for me! However, the reason I'm totally terrified is because the carpenter bee and/or bumble bee is H U G E and targets my head almost exclusively. I walk out on the deck and suddenly they're all "heyyyy! That weird walking pollen factory is here! Quick! Land on that pony-tail!" And then I try to swat them away as I trip and shriek and gimp down the stairs to escape. I'm sure my neighbors think
I'm nuts (but entertaining).

And just try researching "bumble bees" I DARE you. I did and you know what I found? This guy:

And all about how blah blah blah he was an Autobot and transformed into a Camero and I KNOW ALL THAT Internet! I mean, I want to BUY that Camero (but *only* if it transforms into a fighting robot.)

I am *not*, however, being attacked by Bumble Bee the Transformer when I go out on my deck. (First off, THAT would be crazy. Secondly, if I can't trust the Internet, where do I find out about REAL bumble bees???) I guess I could wander in to Ye Olde Local Library and pretend Princess has a book report or something so I don't have to tell my entire Stupid Life Saga to the lady behind the desk.

(Unrelated note: Last time I asked for help it was when I asked where I could find some Tom Wolfe. "Is that the book or the author?" REALLY. I mean, really. Come ON! He's like the Johny Cash of writers, except he wears only white - not black. He's the Man in White. See my point? Either way, he's totally FAMOUS. And I know I can get all book snobby on a mofo, but I SWEAR it's like asking who Hemmingway is. You work in a library! Pick up a book. That's allllll I'm saying.)

See? COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE = massively famous author. Sigh. I weep for today's libraries.

Seriously though, it's way too much effort because either way - EITHER WAY, these bee creatures are trying to KILL ME. I know you're thinking, "whoa, melodramatic much?" And yes, yes I am. BUT just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. Right? Right??? And let me tell you, when you have about 4 or 5 ten-pound bees dive bombing your HEAD when you happen to be near some steep stairs? Well. CLEARLY.

So either way - carpenter bee, bumble bee, stinger or no stinger, they are still awful minions of Satan and should be smited righteously via lightning bolt. Which wouldn't help me because I'd probably fall INTO the lightning bolt and die. Great. Thanks bees, now you're killing me through your smiting. See why I hate them?

Comments, questions, stinger or non?