Thursday, April 22, 2010

And Now We are All Doomed

American Idol giveth, and American Idol taketh away. See we've already proven that reincarnation is possible (that would be yesterday's post) but last night, well, thanks to American Idol, anyone watching was totally complicit in a felony. Or a mortal sin. So either way, we're probably all going to jail or hell, you pick. (Dude, pick jail.)

Normally I'd pour hot coffee in my crotch before I'd post about such frivolity for two days in a row, but as I said, all the viewers are in serious legal, moral and spiritual trouble.

The crime in question?

I don't even know if you're ready for this. I mean, I was *watching* (thanks Idol) and I wasn't ready for it.

So last night was "Idol Gives Back" - where they show you malarial toddlers with missing eyes and broken crutches and then cry your way through the commercial break (if you're me that is) and then you can donate money because Randy Jackson tells you to.

In the middle of the all the orphans and malaria, you know to break up the downer mood, Idol gave us some performances. Alicia Keys, Carrie Underwood (butofcourse) even Annie Lenox.

Then, oh then dear readers, what I like to call "The Crime of the Century" occurred.

An "all-star band" performed...


As in Stairway to Heaven.

Go ahead, take a minute. I recommend deep breathing. Or a large shot of rum.

Would you like to know who sang lead vocals? Mary J. Blige. Now, don't get me wrong, Mary and I are soul sisters. But Stairway? No, oh no honey, NO. Guitar? The Dawg himself, Randy J. Drums? The tattooed-up guy from that ska-punk band that makes me want to stick a curling iron in my ear canal. All-star band? Oh methinks not.

So, like the total rock purist I am, I started hyperventilating and shouting "Oh my God! This is illegal! Seriously! In all 50 states AND Puerto Rico!" Then I began frantically digging for my phone so I could call my BFFIC and give her the heads up that the Apocalypse was all nigh up on a mofo.

I mean, I saw Plant and Page perform (as Plant and Page) back in my wee college days, and THEY didn't perform Stairway. I'm sure that they had their reasons. (Not that I cared; I had my lighter out and was yelling "Stairway" with 5,000 of my closest friends. Imagine our dismay when the house lights came on. Sigh.)

Remember Wayne's World the movie? When he sees the guitar he wants and the guy points to a sign that reads "No Stairway." Yeah. It's UNTOUCHABLE.

Apparently no one told Idol this. And now I may be going to hell because I watched it. GREAT. Thanks Idol for ruining my immortal soul. Idol gives back, indeed.

The Man didn't even care because he's a total facist he doesn't like Stairway. I know. It's sad. He was all "I don't like that guy's voice at ALL" and then he's all "And I don't like Led Zeppelin either."


So I said "Um, yeah, Robert Plant, Led Zeppelin = same thing dude."

"They're the same thing?"

"Yes. He's vocals FOR Led Zeppelin."

Then, I went and said about 20 hail mary's for The Man's immortal soul AND mine. Oh Idol, you wretched, wretched show.

I would post the video of the performance but I won't contribute to ruining anyone else's soul or felony record.

Comments, question, is there a bustle in your hedgerow?