Friday, March 26, 2010

Your Favorite Writer Knows Felons

Scene: The sepia-toned splendor of yesteryear, fondly remembered as “college” by Your Favorite Writer. The place: My ex’s house, talking with his friend whom we’ll call The Felon for obvious reasons.

The Felon: If I were any religion I’d be Buddhist so that I could drink and get high.
Me: Seriously. You’re an idiot! Did you know that Buddhists don’t drink, don’t get high and the monks are even celibate? They believe desire is the root of unhappiness.
The Felon: Well fuck that then.
Me: And the Dalai Lama has won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in non-violence, so you’d probably fail there too.
The Felon: The Dailai Lama can kiss my ass. He’s fucking stupid.
Me: I’m sorry? What was that? Yeah, you can leave now.
The Felon: This isn’t even your house.
Me: Do I look like I care? Take your shitty karma out of here before it messes up MY karma.

End Scene.


That theme pretty much dominated the encounters I had with The Felon for the remainder of my situation with my ex. I kicked him out of cars, my apartment, wherever. We fought all the way out of a bar once. We pretty much had a hate-hate relationship going. He was one of the MANNNNY things I didn’t miss when I sang my version of Free Bird and left my ex years ago, when I was a spry and wily 23 year old.

Cut to a night when The Man and I were lounging in bed, watching the 10 o’clock news about 2 years ago. A crime alert came on announcing the police were looking for a specific felon who was wanted in a theft crime spree. And then they flashed the mug shot. I sat straight up.

“Holy shit! I KNOW him!”

The Man waited.

“Dude, I kicked him out of my apartment ALL the time! He drove me crazy! HA! I can’t believe he’s on the NEWS!”

“You knew some GREAAAAT people, babe.”

“Yeah. Some great felons, apparently.”

The next day I couldn’t wait to call my friends. “Hey, remember The Felon? Yeah! He was on the news because he’s wanted by the cops!”

“I remember when you’d try and kick him out of your apartment!”

“He never should have trash-talked the Dalai Lama. That sort of karma doesn’t forget.”

Ahhhh, karma is always better when you’re there to enjoy it. I mean, they don’t really SAY that or anything, it’s sort of one of MY sayings. The Dalai Lama would probably not be in favor of this sort of revelry. Then again, the Dalai Lama never had to listen to that guy talk.

Comments, questions, know any criminals?

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