Friday, March 19, 2010

You Down with OSS?

Today I'm going to complain all about America's Sad State of Medical Affairs. Wait, wait - don't rush off yet to check your email. I'm not getting all political because 1. I only do that if it concerns Tibet and Evil Oppressive Regimes (Hint: I'm talkin' 'bout YOU China) and 2. If I feel an ACLU-style rant coming on. So you're safe. For now...mwhahahahaa....


Okay, back to my complaining. I'm pretty sure I'd be, if not a MILLionaire, at least a couple-hundred-thousand-'aire, if not for evil medical bills. I can't even come close to the bills that burden so many people. Just a few fun things we've paid for in the last few years:

Leg x-rays
Hospital stays
CT Scan
ER visits

Then of course there is the usual assortment of doctor checks, prescriptions, and whatever. I don't have a solution here people, given that I'm the Genius who brought you the "Semi Trucks Should Drive in Underground Tunnels so I Don't Have to Share the Roads with Them" plan. My plan for fixing health care involves THEM paying US for our pain and suffering and free cans of cheez-whiz, so yeah, no one's calling me up and asking for a Powerpoint yet.

I'd like to give you a little visual aid though of what I consider A Big Health Problem. It's what I like to call: Overcharging for Stupid Shit. Or OSS for short.

See, both The Man and I sleep to the symphony of grinding teeth; honestly it's a wonder we both wake up with any teeth LEFT in our heads. So we both use the tooth guards that look and feel sort of like those things football players wear. (I usually wake up with mine wedged between my ear and the pillow, so it's rather useless really.)

Well, recently The Man went to our dentist (who is a really GOOD dentist, actually) and she said that he'd broken several teeth with his grinding. Hey, I could have told him that for FREE. Anyway, apparently his over the counter guard wasn't cutting it so he had to have a Special Custom Mouth Thingy made. For $400. We pay half. Half! That's $200 for something that looks EXACTLY LIKE THE OTC ONE.

And now, to prove my point, I will show you a picture of all three tooth-guards. Ready? (I know, my blog is innovative!)

Can you tell? Hmmmmm? One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..... Two of these cost only $15-20. And one? One of those is a special M A G I C A L unicorn device that was $400! Okay, got your guess in?

Did you guess right? Well if you did, you sir (or ma'am) have expensive taste. Seriously though, they're all made out of plastic. P L A S T I C. The only difference is that Trained Professionals poured that cement goup in The Man's mouth and then made a mold instead of using heat to mold the plastic TO his teeth. That's it. The big $400 difference there!

Overcharging for Stupid Shit. Have you ever really LOOKED at your medical bills? I looked at a bill once and saw that they charged me $75 to clip an oxygen meter on my kid's finger. I was all, bitch I could BUY that thing for $75 and check her oxygen mySELF!

Aaaaanyway, yeah. I mean, I'm all for The Man keeping his molars and such, but seriously, for $400 I would have found a football guard, bedazzled his NAME on it so he could wear it as a fancy grill during the day if he so chose, and then crocheted him a nice cozy to keep it in. For real.

Now it's time to go off and watch some Dr. Oz so I'll be terrified I have cancer while I work out; then I'll have to see the doctor for a $20 copay all to tell me that I really just had gas all along.

Comments, questions, have you been overcharged?


Van said...

LOL. I agree whole heartedly. Though I did indeed choose the right mouth guard! You make me want to blog. :)

Sammo said...

Go for it! Everyone is doing it. :)