Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Oooh Shiny!

Dear Internet, have you ever been distracted by something shiny? I know I have! You know how it is, you'll be feeding your kids, or intending to start doing laundry or writing your Master's Thesis on Spongebob being a Christ-figure (don't steal my thesis homies, don't even TRY) and then you'll realize EXACTLY what's missing in your life. In my life? It's a crystal chandelier in my bathroom. Wait, and trust me, it makes perfect sense.

When we moved in to our awesome new home, we were faced with a LOT of work and many unanswered questions. Such as: Why are the smoke detectors in the basement covered in duct-taped plastic sacks? Why would anyone want dark green plush carpet at ALL, let alone the entire house? Why would anyone choose green laminate counters for EVERY SINGLE available counter-top area? Who likes green THAT much? And who the hell puts wallpaper borders up on "contractor white" walls that have never been painted?

(Other questions, like, what the hell is THAT STAIN were quickly ignored as we burned ripped up the carpet in question.)

We started our "Kill the Green" campaign in the master bath by ripping out the shiteious counter-top a month or so ago. (By "we" and "ripping out" I mean The Man and his manly renovation skills. I provide moral and humor support.) Then we installed our new fancy counter-top, sinks and faucets. (Again by "we," I mean The Man. I watched and handed him caulk and removed children, as needed.)

Now, it's the ugly wallpaper's turn to die. Wanna see HOW ugly? I know you do. Brace yourself:

I warned you. I hope you didn't spill your coffee in shock, or throw up in your mouth - although I certainly understand that reaction. What makes it really awesome is when you realize it's just slapped up there with NO PAINT on the walls. Then again, this is the decor brought to you by the Green People, also of Bathroom Carpet fame. (We ripped THAT up and put in tile last winter.)(Thank GOD.)

I must destroy this wallpaper border. According to helpful hints from my good friend The Internet, I'm sure all I need is a putty knife and vinegar in a bucket! If that's wrong, who wants to be right. You can do ANYthing with vinegar. It's like the soybean of home liquids. Seriously. You can make car seats out of soybeans and you can do anything with vinegar. You can clean your dishwasher, your coffee pot AND kill and repel ants with vinegar. I know, you're all "But you're a domestic GODDESS!" and I know, I really do.

But after the wallpaper border dies, then we paint - paint it RED. And THEN we're adding a mofo'ing CRYSTAL bitching CHANDELIER. Over the jacuzzi. It's a real Jacuzzi brand and EVERYTHING. Say what you want about Bathroom Carpet Green People, they bought me a Jacuzzi, so I'll forgive them the border. Maybe.

Here is my Jacuzzi tub: (Please ignore the state of renovation. See also: my gargoyle - I collect them -and my garden ball thingy dangling because I had nowhere the Children of the Corn wouldn't get to it....)

Did you notice my view of the pond? Can't you just picture the bubbles and glass of wine and good book all lit up by the CRYSTAL CHANDELIER??? I know, it's really too fancy to take.

Here, to help you visualize:

I tried to build a bee-YOU-tee-ful collage but Picasa was all "I can't find your picture" and I was all "screw YOU Picasa!" so now you'll have to picture it over my tub in your head.

One problem with my plan? Awesome crystal chandeliers are HIGHLY costly. Yikes. Soooo, one alternative is that I buy a regular chandelier and bedazzle it with crystals MYSELF. Oooooh, tempting!

Then again, that is why God invented Craigslist. I'd better get started though Internet, because that border isn't going to peel itself. (Oh if only.)

Coming soon: The plan to apply my Creative Genius Vision and perform a Lady Gaga video with my bff. Oh I'm all jittery with excitement about that venture - totally in the planning stages now....

Comments, questions, got any crystals?


JM said...

I smell a Sammo's Special Project™ in the works!!!