Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Life Lottery Winners!

The year was 2007; The Man was headed for his drill weekend, and the kids and I were headed to Grandma's house, about an hour south. Princess was a wee 2 year old, and Casanova was a tiny sprout swaddled up in a baby car seat.

As I was driving, The Man called my cell. "You won't believe this, I just got a speeding ticket!"

"WHAT?! But you're IN UNIFORM!"

"I KNOW! It's total bullshit!"

Okay, so I have to take this moment to tell you that it's pretty much AGAINST THE LAW (no, not the legal fancy written kind, but the unspoken, understood, secret kind) to ticket someone who's in the military, while they're on a drill weekend.

Here's the deal. The Man has been stopped for speeding several times, all without tickets. Even on the sport bike! At first, I just thought he'd used some Jedi mind-tricks or something, but actually it's far simpler. MOST state troopers have served in the military. The Man opens his wallet, and OH whatdowehavehere but a Big Shiny Gold Chipped military ID. The next thing you know, they're swapping stories about where they've served, which bases, which shitty overseas posts and they part as best friends, no ticket, no nothing.

I've seen it happen. It's M A G I C A L.

And a military ID AND actually IN UNIFORM? That is total Anti-Speeding Ticket Mojo.

(Now if you're some total law-abider who drives exactly one mile and one mile only above the speed limit, first off, Hi DAD!, and secondly, I'm not talking risking-your-life speeding. Well, just his life. On the bike.)

And apparently, the trooper who pulled him over and gave him a TICKET was not aware of the secret law. He was, in fact, a communist. Or a facist. Or anyone that Rage Against the Machine wrote songs about. YEAH.

So since the Laws of the Universe were suddenly all topsy-turvy, I was scared! What was next? Would we be sucked into a black hole? Would gravity fail?

As I cruised on down to Grandma's, I had one thing on my mind and it was NOT The Man's ticket. Casanova needed to nurse. NOW. And that meant the Mommy food bank was feelin' some pain. I picked up speed. And a state trooper. Blue lights, pull on over m'aam. WHAT THE FUCK. Thanks universe.

"Do you know why I stopped you?"


"You were speeding."

"Seriously? I had no idea. And my baby has to nurse. NOW."

"Well I'll be right back."

Yeah he was, with a TICKET. He didn't care that my precious tiny baby was starving. And he clearly was anti-breast feeding mothers. Facist!

So. A ticket for both of us, within an hour. Who does that happen to? I'll tell you. Life lottery winners, that's who. We don't win AWESOME lotteries, we win SHIRLEY JACKSON lotteries.

I called The Man.

"You won't believe what just happened."


"I just got a speeding ticket!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. And of course it wasn't one of the 50 cops I went to high school with. Dammit."

So, lesson learned. I need to move my military ID in front of my driver's license. And hope it's a cop I know.

Comments, questions, are you a speeder?