Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Computer Death

Oh God Internet, just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Today, I managed to totally blow up my computer with a heinous virus before it was even 9 am. And I'm *STILL* dealing with it.

(Between you and me, I'm probably not supposed to be on the internet, while my Malware program is valiantly trying to kill the Evil One, but hello, I HAD to update!)

My first warning sign that something was, as they say, slightly amiss? The broken English "Microsoft" warning. As in: Warning! Antivirus says computer that is infected. Do you wish run Antivirus?" And like a TOTAL FUCKTARD, I probably hit 'yes' which basically means, "yes, evil computer hackers on the far side of the world, please have open access to my computer so you can ruin my hard-drive and sodomize my operating systems."

I've spent the last, oh, eight HOURS trying to make it DIE. If I could find the 12 year old prodigy person who wrote this crappy program, I'd happily bury my foot in his nuts. Or her nuts. Whatever.

Right now, I'm in 'safe mode' - which means "Nothing Important Like Your Video Card can Run so the Font and Pages Appear HUGE and Trigger a Migraine." Oh yes, I'm enjoying this.

And just now? Just now my program told me that the scan was complete and there aren't any 'malicious' programs. But Internet, THERE IS ONE. And it's very, VERY good at hiding. As soon as I go into non-safe mode, it'll pop back up like a drunken stripper, and attack me! (Not that drunken strippers often attack, or if they do attack, it isn't ME, I'm just giving you a helpful visual aid.)

It will tell me there are 'viruses' and then try to hijack my browser; but I use Firefox which everyone KNOWS is like a browser fucking NINJA, and it will fight against the virus but then it will still keep popping up stupid drunken stripper messages ALL OVER MY SHIT and I will have palpitations and rage at the sky that my BFF in California who-is-living-with-a-code-writer-genius isn't off work for HOURS and WHAT WILL I DO!?

(breathing erratically)(doesn't that description help?)

So. It's go time. I'm going non-safe mode. And internet, if you don't hear from me for a few days, assume the worst. Assume I've had to detach my heroin computer and take it off to the Computer People who will laugh snidely (after I leave) when I tell them that I clicked on the BAD ENGLISH warning.


Comments, questions, where can I find this code writer?