Thursday, February 4, 2010

Spin that Record Baby

I once posted about how I am pretty sure I'm half dude. (In fact, if I could figure out how to make a texty/linky thing, I'd link you to that post and feel all superior and genius and such - and yet I am irate with failing at that task, so feel free to search the archives if you're so inclined.) In actuality, I'm REALLY sure that I'm secretly a GAY dude.

My bff called the other day from a very fancy city that is WAY cooler than where I live; however, we grew up together in a small one-stop-light-town-school so he cannot pretend he's any fancier because I KNOW BETTER. Anyway.

He's gay and awesome and fabulous and was telling me he might set up his affairs so he can just travel the world for a year or so.

Conversation:

Big D (this is what I called him in school - it was funny then and funny now dammit!):So I'm just thinking I will travel and see the world for maybe a year or so.
Me: That's awesome! I will so live through you and you have to send me postcards from places I'd totally get diarrhea if I went there.
Big D: You get diarrhea wherever you go!
Me: (laughing hysterically) That's true! I get diarrhea at home!

It's awesome when someone knows and remembers you well enough to include your angry belly problems. Or to remember that time you had the flu and hadn't showered in days and loved you enough to bring you a package of SweetTarts (because they are sooo deeeelicious and have flu-fighting powers) and threw them at you to avoid your germs. There are a lot of reasons I miss him!

Now, he has a gorgeous home, a very fancy car (withOUT a 5-year old's name inked into the leather NOR crumbs that have petrified under the seats) and he can just jet off for a weekend in Hawaii (which he's done) or to Europe (which he's planning.) These are things I would like!

And if I wore a feather boa right now, people would just think I'm hitting the blender, BUT if I were a fancy gay dude, I'd be in a parade, dancing on the big float to some Lady Gaga! Did I mention that I'm hopelessly drawn to Gay Club Music???
(I should be clear that my bff is NOT into feather boas - but that's the kind of internally-gay-dude-girl *I* am!)

I could happily dance the hours away to "Bad Romance" mixes, preferably under some black light. Did I ever tell you kidlets about my blacklight pink tongue ring? No? Ah, well, that's a story for another time.

Now though, I have to be all RESPONSIBLE. I have to remember to FEED the children and not allow them to find and eat toxic things (I am pretty sure Poison Control is building a case file on me). I have to keep the house reasonably clean. I have to listen to songs from Yo Gabba Gabba which is most certainly NOT fun Gay Club Music. I find myself cleaning up poop FAR more than I should. Far, far more. Being a mother simply is NOT glamorous. (No matter how Brangelina LIES to us from the cover of the magazines... remember, THEY have a crack commando team of imported NANNIES. THEY can fly off to the Riviera. THEY can be full of glamour.) I miss The Fancy.

So, until next time, I'm going to dig out my tiara and boa and just DANCE....



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