Saturday, February 6, 2010

Reason #429 Why I Like Cats Better

***Disclaimer: This blog is not for the faint of heart, or actually, the faint of stomach.*** There, you've been warned.

I may have mentioned our dog in prior posts; he's huge, and by huge I mean he's massive. He freaks people out until they realize he's way more interested in napping than he is in eating them. He was a very popular fixture in our old 'hood, and then once we moved, people started freaking out in our new 'hood. Unfortunately, he probably won't be around long enough for them to love him as they should. He's an octogenarian in the canine world, and his hips bother him, plus he is getting cataracts. It sucks.

Here's us. Witness the giant head size. When he stands up, he comes to my waist.

For years he's had lumps on his side or back; the vet said they were cysts and not a problem, not worth treating since they'd return. Okay, fine with me. Then, oh then, two days ago, I heard my dog yip as if in pain. As if, we'll just say, a certain 3 year old had rolled on top of them, and caused a cyst to....explode. (I did warn you, didn't I?) My kid came running to me, yelling, because he thought the dog had thrown up on him. Oh if only. No, his hands were covered That was just the beginning!

I had to clean up the dog AFTER cleaning up the kid, and let me tell you, I do NOT get paid enough for this. Actually, I called The Man at work and yelled at him about how I do not get paid to do this sort of thing, especially because the other night he didn't want to help me clean the cat's butt. (My cat is a bit...obese...and can't reach and well, yes, I had to help tidy things up back there.)(I told you I clean up poo wayyyyy too often in my daily life.) We got him as a fat cat, and fat he remains....

Since our old vet (picture a blonde Jeff Corwin from Animal Planet) had told us if the cysts burst they'd heal up, we didn't worry immediately. Then yesterday, after watching the dog ooze and being generally grossed out completely for two days, The Man took our pooch to the (new) vet. He cleaned it up and gave us some meds and charged us about $150. Guess what! He's still oozing. Actually, he's walking around, with a flipping gaping HOLE in his side, looking like the loser of a canine shoot out. Thanks vet! If I had wanted to see MORE of the freakish oozing wound, I would have shaved him myself, used some peroxide and saved myself 150 bucks. I am DEFINITELY in the wrong business.

While I love our dog immensely, especially for NOT eating my highly annoying children, the day of the Cyst Explosion remains reason #429 why I like cats better. If I hadn't just written extensively about an exploded freaking growth, I would tell you alllll about the time we got the dog neutered and his former ball-area swelled to the size of grapefruits and bled all over my old house. THAT is reason #272 why I like cats better. Or the time he had a callous removed and bled all over my old house. Are you sensing a pattern? I am convinced that our old carpet would have looked like a crime scene under black light. Did you know that peroxide gets blood right out of carpet? That was a helpful hint from Blond Jeff Corwin Vet. You're welcome. (PS We did NOT have this conversation if your spouse goes missing!)

The Man is off doing manly things this morning and playing some sort of indoor contact sport that will probably leave him groaning and limping all weekend; while driving he asked if I wanted to clean the dog or wait until he got home. Hmmmm, try to hold a hot compress on an open wound or wait for you to do it? Not such a burning debate for me.

If you need me, I'll be using baby wipes on the cat.

Comments, questions, are you a vet?