Friday, February 19, 2010

Open Letter to the WalMart Lady*

*Doesn't "WalMart Lady" pretty much say it all?

Dear WalMart Lady in the gold Mercury;

I am wondering exactly what sort of errand-run you were on, that filled you with such burning urgency that you almost hit me and my two small CHILDREN today in the WalMart parking lot CROSSWALK. Your speed was such that when we entered the walk, there were no cars coming, and I ended up having to jerk my kids out of your path.

I apologize for screaming profanity at you, but I was fresh out of something to throw at the back of your receding vehicle. Profanity was all I had.

Normally, I don't follow people around parking lots.

Normally I don't have to rip my kids' arms out of their sockets rather than have them run over, either.

Unfortunately, Gold Mercury WalMart Lady, you were too busy driving aimlessly in apparent circles while smoking your Virginia Slim to notice the following:

1. An SUV doing a U-turn after spotting your car in the parking lot next to WalMart.

2. The same SUV driven by an apparent crazy, gesturing woman.

3. The crazy woman honking at you at the stop sign.

Yes, WalMart Lady, that was me. You see, I am a pretty mild-mannered person. I'm all for make love, not war, lovin' - it's what I got, and no woman no cry. I just had a few questions for you, but since you wouldn't let me ask you when I reached the turn lane, I'll ask you now.

Do you have kids?

Do you pay attention to kids?

Do you give a RAT'S ASS about pedestrians or LAWS or CROSSFUCKINGWALKS?

I have NO idea where you came from so fast that I had to jump out of the way and pull my kids with me. I'm glad I was paying attention. I'm not the only person who noticed you - just the only person whom you almost hit.

So I hope your errand was worth it. I mean, you drove past the Dollar Store, so evidently you weren't needing something 99 cents or less. You drove past the bargain clothes shop, so you weren't looking for a hot new outfit. You also sailed riiiiight past Applebee's - so I'm guessing you weren't hungry. Given that you didn't seem to stop at ALL, who knows what you were doing. Oh. That's right.

You were smoking your cigarette.

You were fumbling in your passenger seat.

And you were blowing stop signs like you stole it.



The Crazy Lady Who Would GLADLY Give you the Beat Down.