Saturday, January 2, 2010

Weekend Movie Review IV, or, What to do for a Demonic Haunting..

*Spoiler McSpoilingson!* If you haven't seen "Paranormal Activity" yet, well, you're as hip as I am for starters, AND you might want to catch up on a certain As-Yet-Undiscovered-Literary-Genius by reading my past blog posts. (Of course I was talking about myself...what, did you think I was referring to your stack of old poems in the basement?!)

Last night, The Man and I watched Paranormal Activity. I had heard a lot of different things, like, "super scary" to "totally boring." I'll go ahead and admit that when it comes to ANY sort of slightly scary movie, I'm hiding underneath one of my approximate 362 throw blankets and cowering against The Man's left arm. (Left arm, because we have SIDES of the couch that are OURS. What? Totally normal.)

For instance, we watched "The Hills Have Eyes" for about 20 minutes until I stormed out of the room and slammed the door in the bedroom and wouldn't come out until he turned it off. I'm pretty sure I've missed important parts of movies because I'm half asphyxiating myself with a throw blanket so I don't have to see anything creepy, scary or gory - especially gory. E. W. EW.

Paranormal Activity is NOT gory, but it IS scary. Anyone who was bored lacks imagination - and your favorite writer (that'd be me, again) is chock FULL of imagination. This does NOT help during scary movies, which is why I usually don't watch them.

P.S. Thanks Dad for watching The Exorcist with me when I was 12! Although I'm terrified of anyone named Regan, live in fear of discovering my kids talking to Captain Howdy and on occasion re-live the whole Crucifix-to-the-Crotch in the unedited version, at least I know you must find a Jesuit Preist to help you.

Thus, as I watched the shot-from-a-home-camera a la Blair Witch style movie unfold, I was yelling "Find a Jesuit dammit!" Did they though, DID THEY? They did NOT. They found some mincing little psychic who refused to come in because he thought he made the demon more unhappy. Really? Dude. It's a demon! It's already really, really unhappy. Or seriously happy in the demented evil side of things. Seriously, we've all seen the movies - these people didn't even TRY to save themselves!

I guess I'm not spoiling too much after all. I won't tell you how it ends, but suffice it to say that after the movie, I told The Man what to do in the event of my Demonic Haunting.

Sam's List of Things to Do for Demonic Haunting:

1. Do NOT buy or borrow a Ouija board. Come on! Is that EVER a GOOD idea??? No, no it's not.

2. Invest in some holy water. Use liberally.

3. Feel free to decorate profusely with crosses and the Lord's Prayer. Might not help, but can't hurt.

4. Find a Jesuit. Find a Jesuit. Find a Jesuit. If you can't find a Jesuit, find a hardcore Catholic who speaks Latin. Latin is very important. All demons seem to speak Latin. I took French, which, as in most else, is not helpful here.

5. If you videotape me standing out of bed and staring at you for a few hours while you sleep, please take me right to a recommended demon guy. Or a Jesuit.

6. If I suddenly claim I'm no longer bothered by the demon, please assume I've become possessed and refer to number 5. Or number 4.

7. Don't mock the demon by yelling "Is that all you got?" Just a bad plan altogether really.

8. Don't blame me for the demon haunting. It isn't my fault.

9. If you can't find a Latin-speaking preist, find psychic Sylvia Browne. She's probably too busy taping Montel shows, but you never know.

10. Don't let the demon post to my blog. My readers probably don't speak Latin either...

So okay, now that I've A. Upped your Weirdo Quotient for the day, and B. Made you sort of wish you'd seen the movie...

Comments, questions, veritas? (Get it, that was Latin....)