Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small....

...and the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all.....go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall." (Jefferson Airplane, White Rabbit)

Yesterday, in the valiant battle against Sinus Pressure from Hell, as well as some sort of allergy drainage that sort of makes me want to throw up a little (and now you too!), I raided my Shoebox of Drugs. Yes, I keep my medicine in a fancy shoe box, shutyomouth. (Before you get all "I'm Calling CPS on You, Jell-O Lady!" my awesome shoebox full of medication is well situated away from any possible child reach. Feel better?)

Crisis! I was out of Sudafed, which I REALLY hate buying since I have to show five forms of ID and have my mother with me, all while the pharmacist performs a full body cavity search. In our Awesome Midwestern State, there are, um, a lot of really enterprising home chemists who buy Sudafed to make meth in bathtubs out in da' country. I'm not one of them, but you can't be too sure so I'm only allowed one pack at a time. I get so annoyed with the creepy suspicion when I DO have to buy some that I hardly ever actually BUY it and thus, I am now OUT of Sudafed. Clearly.

(Oh and PS? Pharmacists do NOT find meth jokes funny when you're buying The Sudafed. FYI. You're welcome.)

So, as I rummaged hopefully around the Shoebox of Drugs, I spotted something promising. A blue pill in an OTC blister pack - I could read half the label on the back which read psuedoephe.... and the rest was torn off. Jackpot! Sudafed! And....perhaps a little heroin. Or qualudes. I have no idea, but I spent half of yesterday pretty sure that I might in fact, be high.

Sample conversation with Leslie, as I lay on my son's bedroom floor (after deciding putting clothes away was too taxing):

Me: Hey, did you ever notice when you stare at a textured ceiling that the texture starts to look like it goes IN instead of OUT?

Her: (laughs) Uh, yeahhhhhh?

Me: God, I sound high.

Her: That's because you are.

Me: What the hell was IN that stupid pill? It was a cold pill, I swear!

Her: I don't know, you should look it up.

Well readers, I DID look it up and thank you google and message boards for once again answering my burning "what is this pill" question. Apparently, I took a WalMart generic allergy pill. What the SHIT they're adding to their allergy pills, I don't know.

Normally I don't get weird on Sudafed and lie around staring at my ceiling. Normally, I just get a dry throat and an urge to vacuum. I mean, it IS a WalMart generic....maybe some factory guy slipped a little somethin-somethin in his batch, I don't know.

So today kids, I'm just suffering with my sinuses because I have to be a responsible parent and all, and I can't just be tripping balls on "allergy" pills.

"...Remember what the door mouse said, keep your head...."

Comments, questions, ever take a bad WalMart pill?

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