Saturday, December 5, 2009

Weekend Movie Review, or, Things that Freak Me Out Part II

Last night, forgetting that I have issues with apocalypse-style movies, we watched Terminator: Salvation. Does it say something about me that when I walk into our local video store (remember: I have tried Netflix, but they don't have a staff that hides new action release movies JUST FOR ME.) that the guy immediately pulled out the new-release action movie and handed it to me? Maybe it does. Maybe it says, "hey, that guy remembers the ONE TIME he suggested a romantic comedy and I karate kicked him in the face!" or maybe it's just a testament to my all-around coolness. Who's to say.

As the movie started, The Man began grumbling about how it only got one star. Let me take a moment to explain how I feel about movie reviews. They are made by people whom I presumably don't know. With that as our known fact, how do they know if I would like it or not???? These same people probably thought The Proposal was HIGHlarious! And it was NOT, dear friends, oh NO it was NOT. Then again, Mommy's idea of HIGHlarious is a bit dark and/or devious, including movies like Pineapple Express, the Clerks series, or most of Pulp Fiction. I dare you to say what again! I dare you to ask me what that means, for that matter. (If you don't know, please, go rent the damned movie okay?) (Also: I don't yet own a wallet that says Bad Motherfucker on it, but only because I haven't found one in pink. New google search, starting now!)

Ahem. Back to Terminator. So yeah, it only got one star. By strangers I don't know, who don't know me, who could be rabid, chain-smoking crackheads for all I know. Maybe they give out stars based on how many rocks they have left - either way, I don't care about movie ratings. At all. I care about important things, like: explosions, decent dialogue, soundtrack, and whether or not I have to suffer through watching bulemic actresses try to emote.

Aaaaaanyway. I liked the Terminator movie just fine. I didn't like the fact that the entire movie was in some weird gray hue. That was fine with 300 and all - don't even get me started on that movie's OVERWHELMING awesomeness.... but I didn't like it for this one. I did like the acting and the bombing and the sweet, sweet terminator sport bikes. I was all, holy shit, first I wanted a Transformer Camero or Ducati, but now? NOW Mommy wants a terminator sport bike. You could terminate the HELL out of traffic's ass with one of those. And I'd never even have to worry about learning how to shift properly. Brilliant.

I was, however, totally freaked out by the terminator robots. (Pretty much as I have been by every single movie in the franchise.) I have an issue with giant killing robots. I think it started with those At-at's from Star Wars, if you want to get deep on it. Either way, huge robots who chase people with giant hands, claws, lasers or tracking beams scare the crap out of me. Besides, do you know how hard it is to kill a terminator robot? OMG. I mean, the terminator sport bikes DO apparently have real sport bike issues, like spinning out and high siding. Terminator robots? Not so much. Even when the terminator robots aren't The Governator, they're still damned tricky to kill.

Now I am going to spend at least a week being worried my cell phone might zap my brain with a secret laser, or my blender might attack me in a fit of sentient rage. Damn.

Wonder what my friends at Family Video will hand me next week!