Thursday, December 31, 2009

I Don't Believe in Resolutions

As the title might suggest to the more observant, I really don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. Mainly because they don't work very well. Case in point, you ask? Your favorite Sammo is always happy to oblige her delusions public. The Man and I used to be gym rats at a fairly well-known work out chain. I'm talking every day after work here people, and sometimes on Saturdays too. That's before we had a house with a basement weight room and/or children. Ahhhh, the glory days. Oh yeah, what was I talking about? That's right...

So every Jan 1, there'd be about 109,642 new members at our Giant Chain Gym. They would eagerly saunter around with lists and new water bottles, clogging up the machines and generally not following Weight Room Protocol.

*Alert!* Slight Diversion from Topic: I know, you're all, But Sammo, you're such an elitist snobby McSnobberson intellect - what dost thou know about Weight Room Protocol? Well, let me tell you something. First off, our Giant Chain Gym was located smack in a "less desirable" area of our Large Metro City. Read that as: our gym was in da' hood. So. There were lots of Independent Pharmaceutical Reps who also hung out in the Weight Room. Basically picture a weight room during Prison PE and there you go. It was scary. Women went in groups, preferably with a guy, and never, NEVER forgot their headphones - because, in a Weight Room, headphones make you deaf and slightly invisible to the other Inmates. After several years of the Prison Weight Room at our 'Hood Giant Chain Gym, I knew quite a bit about Weight Room Protocol. I'm also noting that I'm not talking about all the slick machines - I'm talking old school dented, rusted probably covered in toxic levels of testosterone Free Weights. And in the Prison Weight Room, you don't take someone else's bench. You let people work in between sets if you're taking a lot of time with something. You don't grab a million different dumb bells and horde them. You also don't step on Superman's Cape, nor spit into the wind. And you don't mess around with Jim.

Soooo....from about the first week of January every single year to sometime in late February, you'd have eager, earnest and confused people wandering hopelessly around the Prison Weight Room, staring at the dumb bells, hogging the leg press and blathering about their personal trainers ad nauseum. Then, once the reality of the Prison Weight Room kicked in, and the general tedium of showing up and hurting yourself regularly became apparent, the mad rush would trickle to a slow dribble, until almost all of the Eager Newbies quit coming. And once again, I'd be able to find an 8 pound dumb bell without searching the entire Prison Weight Room. And the Independent Pharmaceutical Reps could stop glaring (and possibly considering shooting)at the Resolution-ers and get back to working on their fitness! Because who wants to buy drugs from an unhealthy dealer? I mean, really, standards people.

This is just one, obviously ridiculously looooong reason I don't subscribe to the Resolution Thing. If I'm going to do something, it isn't a resolution, it is, as my BFF Jillian Michaels would say, a LIFE CHANGE.

What would I Resolution about if I were to do such a thing? Well here's a list friends. Here's a list.

Sammo's Hypothetical New Year's Resolution List that She Won't Really Make or Follow:

1. To stop chewing my fingers when I'm anxious/thinking/bored. I'm almost down to bone on my thumb, I swear. Fetching, no?

2. To write more, and better. As a life long card-carrying Creative Soul, I'm losing a bit of mojo to this whole Mommy thing.

3. Should I even say it? To lose the last poundages and sculpt some JM waist action. Heh. Yeah it isn't very likely is it? (And she does NOT have two kids.)

4. To meditate daily. It's good for me.

5. To stop falling asleep when I meditate.

6. To "cultivate patience" with my family. That sounds sincere doesn't it?

7. To get really organized so I have more time for vacuuming.

8. To work on a plot for a book. Characters, check. Plot? Still waiting. Refer back to Number 2.

9. To make a dent in debt. Then again, I'd rather have those white fur boots with the dingle-balls, wouldn't I? Yes.

10. To freaking finish renovating my blog. Curse you html, curse you.

11. To embrace the Serenity Prayer. My new mantra: I cannot fix everything. Especially not a widget-eating layout.

12. To experience joy each day, in something.

Alrighty kids, those are what I'd resolve, were I resolving in the first place. How about you?

Comments, questions, resolutions?