Monday, December 21, 2009

The Bitchy German Luxury Car!

What better day to write (finally!) about my Bitchy German Luxury Car than a day in which it is sitting, all cozy and snug inside my garage? God knows there's some snow and ice outside, so we can't actually drive the BGLC....and The Man has taken my Crappy American SUV to work, so I'll write while I'm stranded. My annoyance, your amusement....or something like that.

We bought the BGLC back in a fall filled with promise, about a year ago. The cadillac my dad had given me for Christmas one year (and who says 16 year olds get all the cars!) had finally started to have more repairs than we were able to fix. We sold it to a nice couple and dealt with the sad reality that we'd have a car payment, again. What to buy? We both are adamant minivan haters. (Not YOUR minivan of course! I'm sure yours is lovely, with flip down tvs, butt-warmers, and all that jazz!) So, no minivan. No SUV either, as long as the Crappy American SUV lives it would be redundant.

Hmmm....I know! Let's find something flashy and fancy and we can drive around and mock the plebians and hope it NEVER breaks down or we're screwed! Brilliant! And so, ownership of the Bitchy German Luxury Car was born...

Since there are several Bitchy German Luxury brands on the market, I'll narrow down the choices for you, by saying that ours is the only one known by INITIALS. Got it yet? Could stand for Bitchy Money Waster? (Aaaand I've just invented my new favoritist saying about that car!) Yeah I think you know what I'm talking about.

Oh sure, it was fun for awhile. Taking corners and leaving everyone in the dust while shouting "German engineering!" was awesome... Then The Man found some shiny, shiny chrome rims on, what else, Craigslist, and we were truly rolling in style my friends. Or about to be car jacked. You pick. Friends saw it and said "Wow! You got a Bitchy German Luxury Car! Sweet. Nice rims!" A far cry from pulling up in the old rusted out Crappy American SUV, I'll admit.

Then.

Then, the Bitchy German Luxury Car began to show her true colors, which I hasten to add were NOT 'Orient Blue'. (Look it up, it's a very sassy paint scheme.)

First off, the rims and tires apparently upset the BGLC. She began to handle, as The Man put it in all his manly technical parlance, "like shit." The ride felt bumpy and sort of like my butt was scraping the asphalt. Smooooooth. Apparently the tires and rims did something weird to the BGLC's ride, and while others were eying our chrome and Orient Blue fanciness, we were in the cockpit, cursing about lousy pick up and teeth-shattering pothole hits.

Tip o' the old iceberg, readers, tip o' the iceberg....

One day, The Man was running late for work and got in the BGLC. Click. Click. Nothing.... That's the sound of a very, very expensive broken starter friends! And let me tell you, after buying the book and spending several painful hours on the pavement of our driveway, even a very, very handy (and cutely shirtless) man cannot change a starter on a BGLC. No, instead you have to take it to an import shop where everyone is of dubious Slavic descent and barely comprehensible! Oh, and then they charge you. A lot. AND! If you're lucky? You find out that there are unpleasant suspension type things (I must have blocked the memory of that diagnosis out) which need to be fixed....OH and by the way, your turn signal fuse console electrical thingy is bad, sooooo......

Before you know it, your BGLC repair has managed to pay for some nice Russian man's winter vacation! Yob Va! (Which actually means eff you in Russian. I am pretty sure.)

It's not like the BGLC is very old, it's rather new - low miles, one owner, alllll that goodness. But see, here is my theory. Bitchy German Luxury Cars are for other people. People who have the time and money to drop them off at the dealer and then lunch and get a facial and stuff. In other words, they're for people who have REAL money and not PRETEND money.

Because the NEXT thing that goes wrong with the BGLC??? And I'm personally going to take it apart, one nut and bolt and suspension thingy at a time, and mail it back to Germany. Then, I'll just drive the Crappy American SUV until I can get what I really want. A nice Fancy Asian Sport Car. Mommy loves those. And it will match our Fancy Asian Sport Bike.

Comments, questions, what do you drive?

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