Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So much drama in the LBC it's kinda hard being Snoop D-O-GG...

Okay, I'd planned to thrill you with tales of the vet, and the kitty-hair-clump shaving, (wayyyyy too obvious jokes there people, go ahead, laugh it up) but then I thought, no! I will tell you all about my neighborhood dram-uh instead.

So awhile back I told you about Crazy Fence Guy, whom I am now going to start calling Cap Your Ass Guy. This is the one thing (well okay, not the ONLY thing) that sucks about being in a subdivision. If one neighbor is batshit crazy, or makes meth in the basement, or has a phobia about mowing the lawn - it can totally ruin your good time. You have to live there too, so it's not like you can just set their house on fire and hope for the best... I mean, you could, but the odds of being caught are pretty high - NOT that I've thought of this at all. *whistling*....

Anyway, last weekend our next door neighbor came over and asked if we'd heard any noise the night before - since our Giant Tan Dog of Doom sleeps upstairs with us and doesn't leave until we do, we managed to sleep right through the mayhem. (Which is actually sort of weird because Captain America frequently jumps up, and runs through the house all Rambo style looking for anything that might have woken him up...) Apparently, someone had stolen stuff from our neighbor's cars, and had shot out windows in each car. Our highly awesome Ford, however, was left unscathed. (Why! Why God, can't someone STEAL that thing??? And yet my prayers go unanswered.)

A friendly area motorcycle cop came out to take the report, and told us that several local cars had also been stolen from the same night. According to the officer, the fact that the windows in only my neighbor's car had been shot out PROVED it was punk kids. Really? I'm not sure how this proved anything, but I digress. Did I mention that the only windows shot also happen to FACE Cap-Your-Ass-Guy's house? Or that their car doors were unlocked, so the thieves could just take whatever they wanted and the shooting was totally irrelevant to the stealing? I mean, I'm not a top-notch investigator, but I will also mention that a mysterious unsigned letter appeared under our mailbox flags the very same night, and that it happened to mention the issue that Cap-Your-Ass-Guy has been harping on for months.


So, distraction, diversion, or coincidence. I wonder.

I will tell you though, that I am reallllllllly over Assholes. I mean, there are a lot out there. They drive on public roads, shop in the grocery, and make mean faces at me when I'm correcting my children. Despite my best (Buddhist!) intentions and all, it's tragically difficult to see the best in an Asshole. Let's take Cap-Your-Ass-Guy for example. He shot wild animals, inside his fence, with a 9-millimeter handgun! Asshole. Seriously dude, were the raccoons packing AKs? Were they part of a rival raccoon gang, wearing red bandanas and ready to cutabitch if you didn't leave your garbage cans out? I'm not a PETA member or anything (okay, I was in college, but only because I sent them a check - and THAT was because they sent me sad pictures of wounded monkeys.) but who the fuckityfuck shoots raccoons in their back yard, when that back yard happens to be adjacent to protected land?! Cap-Your-Ass-Guy, that's who. See? Asshole.

And no one can say anything to him because A. He's off his meds, B. He's so crazy he makes Gary Busey look totallynormalthankyou and C. He will cap your ass. Or your car's ass.

And (so unfair!) you can't just light torches and carry pitchforks over to a naughty neighbor's house and, like, run them out of town or anything anymore. No. We are so civilized, we've....wait for it.....written letters! We will not tolerate your Asshole-ness, Mr. Asshole, and if you continue your Assholification, we will write even. more. letters. Yeah! Take that! You may shoot our Gang Member Raccoons for bringing their posse up in your yard, but we will write a strongly worded letter that might hurt your feelings. That's right, I said it. And when you up the Crazy Juice and start shooting at people, instead of Gang Member Raccoons, we will write to you again to inform you that we, the people of the neighborhood, know you are an asshole! Because that is how we roll.

Seriously. I am tired of being civilized to card-carrying Assholes. I think if you're an Asshole and proud of it, you should be treated like one. The way Chuck Norris or Jillian Michaels (the female Chuck Norris) would treat an Asshole. You should totally be karate kicked in the balls and then the head, and then and ONLY then, the angry mob should set fire to your house with torches. Because THAT is how Sammo rolls. Angry mob Chuck Norris style.

Comments, questions, you got gang raccoons?