Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Fun at the Ghetto Grocery

We live somewhere in between an icky/blighted/crime-y/ghetto area and a nice/ritzy/expensive/private lake-home area. I firmly believe we live closer to the clean, happy, wealthy area; we receive their newsletter, so, clearly this is true.

It's also one of the strange aspects of this city o' mine; you can live (as does a friend of mine) in a very expensive, exclusive area, drive about four blocks, and buy a nice crack rock AS WELL as find a tranny hooker. Convenience, that's what it's all about.

Yesterday, I went totally batshit needed a break from the kids, so as soon as The Man got home, I basically had keys in hand and said "be back, love you, byeeeee" all the way out the door. I dropped off some dvds (YES, I am aware of Netflix, but THEY don't have free kids movies NOR a cheap porno section like my video store, now DO THEY???)and then had to pick up some necessities; Diet Cherry 7-up (shut up, it has antioxidants!), toilet paper, and girly beer.

The problem? I was closest to the Ghetto Grocery. I normally drive to the nice wealthy-people grocery, where the choices are plentiful, the cashiers don't have scabies, and there aren't any cops at the door. Seriously. At the Ghetto Grocery, they have a cop at the door - not a rent-a-cop either, a REAL officer of the law. I have no idea what they think is going to break loose in the grocery....a deli-theft? A cart jacking? Someone demanding discounts without a shopper card? I have no idea, but if the Ghetto Grocery demands protection, I want to shop at the Rich Grocery.

I said a few prayers, like "God, please don't let anyone bust a cap in my ass in the middle of the cereal aisle" and parked the car. I immediately noticed a woman leaving with her child - the woman had black permed hair, with only the bangs bleached blonde. Classy! But wait, it got even classier inside!

In the frozen foods, I passed an enormous black lady wearing a pastel pink sweat-pant combo, wearing a fully sequined silver shirt underneath. I guess it's both fashionable AND functional! Go grocery shopping in your sweats, strip those off, then hit the clubs. Convenient! Then I passed a large man in what I'll call "urban attire" who was shouting into his phone about how he "can't find what you' lookin' fo' man..." whatever that may have been. The store music, you ask? Well I got to enjoy my sojourn to the Ghetto Grocery and listen to "sailing, takes me awayyy, to where I want to be....." Yeah, like NOT the Ghetto Grocery! The canvas can do miracles all right...

Finally I had grabbed all my crap and headed for the checkout. I was excited because there were huge lines in front of the regular registers, so I could get out quickly with a U-scan. Until I got stuck behind.....Coin Woman!

Coin Woman paid for her. entire. order. in. coins. A lot of these coins appeared to be pennies. (I can't be sure because I was busy banging my forehead into my cart handle.) Even better? When the machine didn't take a coin, Coin Woman re-inserted the same freaking coin about a billionty-million times. It went like this: chink, clunk, pick it up, chink, clunk, pick it up......

I looked around and the woman behind me just rolled her eyes and smirked. I shook my head and stared death lasers at Coin Woman. Then a U-scan opened up and I jetted around her. I had my entire order scanned, bagged, paid for, and in my cart and Coin Woman was STILL (still!!!) putting coins in. Oh, and she was talking to her meth-head boyfriend the whole time. I was too busy trying to figure out how to knock her out and stuff her body in frozen foods to listen.

Now I know why the Ghetto Grocery has cops! It's when people snap in line after being stuck for ten minutes listening to someone pay $50 worth of groceries with pennies!!!! Even food-stamps have swipey cards these days...

Comments, questions, fun time at the store?