Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's a pho-BEE-a

Get it? I'm a hilarious word-ster, I know this. On a serious note though - I am deathly afraid of bees. I know they won't randomly sting me (well people tell me this anyway), I know I am bigger than they are, and that I can use my giant human brain in order to find something with which to smash them into tiny non-living bee parts. I know this. I am still terrified of them. I run around, squealing and flapping my arms and generally looking like a giant certified moron. Yellow jackets are the worst of all bee-offenders. They can sting repeatedly and they attack in groups, like some sort of horrible flying insect gang. If one of them is wounded, the others sense it and the homie-bees come back to get revenge. *shudder* Horrible.

Yesterday, I noticed a huge yellow-jacket type bee in my living room; I went to kill it, harnessing all my bravery, when another one flew AT MY HEAD. I retreated. Then I saw still two and three MORE bees squeezing in under the screen and flying into my house. I think I may have, and I'm just saying possibly here, peed myself a bit in my attempt to flee. I gathered up the children and we ran into the laundry room. I sensibly called John and told him to come home right now and kill the damned infestation in my living room.

I should mention that John is allergic to bee stings. I should also mention that I would have remembered him fondly had he keeled over from bee stings. That didn't happen and he managed to slay at least two or three of the offending swarm.

Then this morning, I was cleaning up some pencil drawings the Destroyer had made on my newly painted wall when he piped up "look, a butterfly!" It was, most certainly, NOT a butterfly my friends. It was a huge yellow-jacket bee monster. I screwed up all my courage and smashed it into oblivion, only to see its partner in crime buzzing away on the curtain above me. I found a can of bug spray and stunned it long enough to smash it into the carpet. Then in a fit of blood-lust, I ran around the living room shouting "Tonight we dine in hell!" Okay, not really that part so much.

Yes, I am aware that I am a moron. I am aware that bees don't single me out and torment me and blah blah blah.... but it's a phobia people - IRRATIONAL fear. If you need me, I'll be hiding in my room wearing a protective suit and holding my bug spray.

Comments, questions, points of reBEEtal? (heh)


Anonymous said...

I feel your pain! Bee-phobics Unite!