Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to shop we go...

I only wish I could tell you I had exciting plans for today, something that would make you think 'man, this chick has it going ON' - or whatever you'd think if you were insanely jealous of someone's fun-plans.

I don't have anything going on my friends, except for needing groceries and having to buy them. I loathe grocery shopping with the intensity people usually reserve for A. dentist visits or B. ob-gyn visits. Since I have to visit the dentist Friday, I'll try to be positive about dentists, even though I really, really wish they'd start handing out xanax or something in the waiting room. Professional flossing. *shudder*

No, I just have to go to the store, with the kids, and try to shop quickly and efficiently - without missing important things like diapers, toilet paper or tequila. Actually, I reallllly hate tequila, so you can totally assume that's sarcasm. The kids will be "helping" in only the way that small kids can try to help; my 4 year old will grab almost anything in a primary color and ask me if I need it, and my 2 year old will pull things into the cart when I'm not looking, so when I check out I find fun things like Jumbo-Sized Preparation H! Awwwwww yeah.

Speaking of xanax, wonder if the grocery carries it! If you want to have a good time and/or confuse (or amuse, depending) your local deli workers, the next time you're getting cold cuts and your kids are bouncing around and smacking each other, when the deli person says cheerfully "anything else?" look really serious and say "sure, got any (fill in the blank) xanax, tequila, crack" - it's always amusing. Why yes, I HAVE done this. I get a really good laugh, by the way, by the people I'm pretty sure who actually DO those things - probably on their lunch break. Then again, they might be laughing because they have kids too who also drive them to drink, or smoke, or run screaming into the night.

I'm not even going to the cool store that has the little $1-a-pop-tv-carts, even though they only hold approximately two boxes of cereal and a loaf of bread, it'd be worth balancing the rest on my head in a basket to keep my kids quiet - and the best part - locked in! If your grocery has these magic carts, just spend the freaking dollar for some peace of mind. My kids got to sit together (locked in!), pretend to drive, watch an episode of Doo-doo-doo Dora on the tiny tv screen and probably wallow in every virus 100,000 small kids can carry. That's why they invented hand sanitizer. Whee!

Alas, I'm only shopping at the regular non-awesome-tv-cart store. No tv, no locks.

And I'm sure, plennnnnty of Preparation H for my son to grab. Awwww yeah.

Questions, comments, anything to do with grocery hatin'?

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