Thursday, August 20, 2009

I'm not a morning person!

See, the irony of this post is that the title is an emphatic 'I'm not a morning person' when, in fact, (correct usage of commas! bam!) I indeed *AM* a morning person. Let me clear up some misconceptions oh Blogosphere about being a morning person - it doesn't mean I don't love sleeping in, or jump out of bed and straight into the yoga sun salutation while singing "Three Little Birds" - oh no. It just means that after some breakfast and coffee, I am at my perkiest, while if you hope to hold an intelligent conversation (or ANY conversation really) with me after 6 pm, you will be sadly disappointed.

My husband is NOT a morning person. He gets up slavishly every morning before 6 am to work out, mixing creepy fizzing drinks in the kitchen and yelling things like 'you won't like me when I'm ANGRY!' before hitting the weight room. Then he takes a shower, gets dressed, answers something like 423 phone calls while pulling his shirt over his pretty head, and for good measure, picks a fight with me about paying bills late, and then yells "You know I'm not a morning person!!!" This apparently should explain everything.

Yes darling, you most certainly are NOT a morning person. In fact, I think that we should invest in a custom made Bat-Cave from which you can get dressed and zoom straight off to work, without having to interact with me in ANY WAY.

At night once we get the kids to bed, however, and I'm finally mentally shutting down (coherent thought, switch in off position, breathing, oh wait, leave that on) well THAT is when he decides to talk to me. About work, about how he should have played football because this season my dear sweet friends is when THEY'RE GOING ALL. THE. WAY!!! and about whatever else crosses his man-brain. The lady who cut him off when he was obviously getting ready to merge, the guy at Arby's who was trying to stare him down but that wasn't gonna' fly, the dude at the bike shop who can cut him a great deal on REAL RACE REAR SETS (OMG if you don't know....well, it's a sweet sweet deal me hearties) and on and on until my brain finally leaks out of my ear and I fall over onto the couch, a drooling mess.

Yet never, ever, even after a melting brain do I say "I'm not a NIGHT PERSON!" Nope. Not me! At least coffee is the cure for NOT MORNING people. There is no cure for not night people - except for sleep. Sweet, sweet oblivion. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Comments, questions, points of rebuttal....