Friday, August 21, 2009

The Destroyer has come!

I may not have mentioned it before, but I have a two year old and four year old, respectively. Thank you, thank you, I'll wait for the applause to die down.....*ahem*....

My son (the 2 year old in question) is very sunny and upbeat and despite my lack of conviction in astrology, apparently everything that a Sagittarius is, whilst my daughter (the 4 year old) is more serious, fiery, and generally exactly like a Scorpio (which I am, so I'd know). Now don't go breaking out your star charts, I just find it an interesting little side-note; they both have characteristics and personality traits that....

Okay I'm back. I'm sure I had a coherent thought going there, but I had to stop because I realized that Mason wasn't behind me playing cars anymore, and vaguely thought I heard the sound of liquid splashing. So anyway, after cleaning up equal parts water and juice poured not just in the hallway, but also in the kitchen, here I am. This is what I am talking about. He is the Destroyer.

He doesn't mean to be, he doesn't INTEND to ruin all my carpet, my floors, and my make up (via various make up art/wall projects) but he DOES. Let me also explain that no, I am not the most neglectful mother in history, upstairs playing Bedazzled (that's Bejeweled to most of you) while downing coffee and yakking on the phone about last night's episode of America's Got Talent.... no, I actually DO pay attention to my kids. Mason is just quiet, as well as determined. He'll sneak off when I'm in the bathroom, or when I am busy with dinner, or whenever he finds me slightly distracted.....then, BAM! I have a huge mess to clean up.

For example, yesterday I decided I would Clean the Bathrooms! I put that in caps because it was an undertaking of epic proportions. We have some sort of mineral build up that makes my toilets resemble what I think toilets might look like in third-world flop houses. Seriously. A little Soft Scrub ain't gonna cut it.

I was upstairs, after having tackled the freaky mineral toilet stains of doom, and was finishing up mopping. I had *just* checked on the kids when my daughter yelled something about Mason and milk. I ran downstairs to find a puddle of milk on my rug and then realized I smelled something....a mite citrus-y. Hmmmmm. Oh wait, yeah, that'd be my reed diffuser from atop the fireplace that is now....on the carpet. Orange citrus forever baby! I had to break out the carpet cleaner which really only watered down the citrus, and now my whole house smells like a Febreeze bottle. Citrus fresh with a tad of eau de old milk. Mmmmm, that's nice.

Before you think, why, this seems to happen when you are upstairs Miss Thing! Why yes, it does, and don't call me that! I try to keep the Destroyer with me at all times but he's a wiley devil, able to open child-gates AND replace them in virtual silence. I have thought of a tether but that would be a tad inconvenient for the entire day. They don't make play-pens (or tie downs, but they should) for pre-schoolers; besides he'd just use his McGyver-like ingenuity to fashion a ladder and trebuchet (for good measure) from a bunch of leggos, matchbox cars and a Barbie head. (Oh and PS, spell check doesn't recognize 'trebuchet' because it. is. dumb.)

So in summation, I am thinking of renting the Destroyer out to our government. A few months of having him in hostile territory - I'm telling you, we'd be saving millions on ammunition and he'd get the job done. He's capable of ruining almost anything, from expensive furniture to warring countries. If you'll excuse me, I think I have something to clean up...

Comments, questions, points of rebuttal.